Calm, businesslike messages to the other parent

Written contact during separation or a custody conflict can be the hardest part of the day. Every message can either add fuel to the fire or help put it out. This article describes a simple, universal way to write: brief, informative, friendly and firm. It is not legal advice, but a method that helps lower the tension.

Decide the purpose first

Before you write, ask yourself one question: what exactly do I need from this message? Usually it is to settle something about the child, not to settle the past.

Once you know the purpose, it becomes easier to leave out everything that does not serve it. The message stops being a battlefield and becomes a tool for agreeing on something concrete.

Four qualities of a good message

The method fits into four words: brief, informative, friendly, firm.

• Brief: a few sentences, one topic, no detours.
• Informative: facts, dates, times, places; no judgements or interpretations.
• Friendly: a neutral, polite tone, as in a work email.
• Firm: a clear request or proposal, without apologising for the child's needs.

Stick to facts, not feelings

The feelings are understandable, but a message is not the place to discharge them. Instead of "you were late again and you don't care about your child," write "pick-up was set for 4:00 pm and happened at 5:15 pm."

Facts are hard to dispute and they do not invite an argument. Keep the feelings for someone close to you, a counsellor, or your own notes.

Pause before you send

The hardest messages are best written and then set aside for an hour, or until the next morning. After a break you will often delete the one sentence that would have started another row.

Read the text as if a neutral outsider were going to see it. If it contains spite, sarcasm or reproach, take it out. Leave only the substance.

Remember why you are doing this

The goal of this correspondence is not to win the dispute with the other parent. The goal is calm and predictability for a child who needs both parents.

A calm tone is not weakness. It is a sign of responsibility and strength, and over time it usually lowers the temperature on the other side too. OneReason exists to stand alongside you in this.