Checklist before sending a message

Why have a checklist

A message written in the heat of the moment may feel like relief, but it often creates a new problem. The checklist is not meant to silence you. It is meant to help you send only what truly serves your child's interest.

1. Is the message about the child?

If the content is mainly about resentment, settling scores, old arguments or judging the other parent, save it as a private note. Keep for sending only what is practical: a date, a document, a piece of information, a question, a consent, an institution or a contact.

2. Is it consistent with the documents?

Check whether there is a court order, a settlement, an interim measure, a no-contact order, a restraining order or a restriction on how you may communicate. If you are not sure, do not improvise. Write down the question for a lawyer or a free legal aid point.

3. Is the child not being used as a messenger?

Remove sentences such as: "tell your mum", "pass this on to your dad", "ask why", "say this in court". A child should not carry information between adults or have to take sides.

4. Is the message short?

A good message usually has three parts: the matter, the question, a calm deadline for a reply. Do not explain the whole story. The more emotional background there is, the easier it is to lose the specific goal.

5. Have you removed any judgement of the other parent?

Instead of "you're making things difficult again" write "the contact planned for 6:00 p.m. did not take place". Instead of "you're hurting the child" write "please let me know whether we can arrange another time".

6. Could this be sent tomorrow?

If the message is not urgent, set it aside for an hour or until morning. Calm often comes only after a break. Such a pause protects what you do.

7. Does the message have one purpose?

A single message should have one main purpose. If you mix together contact, school, money, an old hurt, accusations and a request for a document, the recipient may answer only part of it, or not at all. Break the matter into separate, calm steps. Start with what is most urgent for the child.

8. Are you leaving a record without a threat?

You can write what you are asking for and by when you need a reply. Do not add threats, predictions of consequences or sentences like "you'll regret it". If the matter requires a further legal step, write down the question for a lawyer. A message to the other parent or an institution should be a calm part of the timeline.

9. Have you removed data that is not needed?

Do not send full documents, numbers, addresses, health information or screenshots if a short note is enough. A child's data is sensitive. The less unnecessary data circulates in messages, the lower the risk that it ends up in the wrong place.

The version to remember

The child's matter. Consistency with the document. No judgements. No child as a messenger. One concrete step.