Keeping the child out of the conflict: messages and boundaries for a parent

Why this is hard

When a parent feels pushed aside, they naturally want the child to know that they miss them, remember them and aren't giving up. The problem begins when the child is expected not only to feel love, but also to carry messages, pick a side or confirm an adult's version of events.

A child is not a channel of communication between adults.

Sentences that usually protect the child

You can keep it short: "These are grown-up matters", "You don't have to pick a side", "I'm here and I remember", "I love you no matter what's happening", "You don't have to pass on any messages".

Such sentences don't pretend the problem doesn't exist. They lift from the child the burden of being responsible for an adult problem.

Sentences it's better not to use

Don't say: "tell your mum", "tell your dad", "it's his fault", "it's her fault", "choose me", "you don't love me", "say it in court", "look what they did to me". Even if the pain is real, such messages can shift the burden onto the child.

If you need to express your anger, write it down in a private note, not in a message to the child.

When the child asks what's going on

The answer should be short and shouldn't put a strain on the other parent. You can say: "Grown-ups are sorting out matters between themselves. You don't have to solve this." If the child asks whether you love them, answer simply, without conditions and without weaving in the conflict.

Don't use the child as a witness. If you need evidence, document adult events, paperwork, dates and responses from institutions.

When the child says something difficult

If the child repeats hurtful sentences, don't interrogate them. Don't make them point out who said it. You can answer: "I'm sorry you have to hear this. You don't have to deal with it. I'm the grown-up and I'll handle grown-up matters."

Then note the event neutrally in a private journal, without putting pressure on the child.

Boundaries for a parent

A boundary doesn't mean coldness. A boundary means that you don't use the child to manage your own pain. You seek support from adults: a lawyer, a mediator, a therapist, a friend, a support service, a private journal.

The child can be given love. They don't have to be given the whole story.

Before sending a message to the child

Check four questions: whether the message is consistent with the ruling, whether it doesn't breach a prohibition, whether it doesn't ask the child to act as a go-between, and whether, after reading it, the child will feel less of a burden rather than more.

If even one answer is uncertain, don't send it. Save the message as a draft and seek advice on the situation.

The goal that keeps you on course

The goal is not for the child to immediately understand the whole injustice. The goal is for them to be able to remain a child and grow up alongside a parent who, despite their pain, does not shift the burden of adult matters onto them. That is sometimes the greatest form of a parent's presence.