Your child after a contact visit: what to say, and what not to add

A contact visit is not an interrogation

After a conversation or a meeting you may want to find out everything at once. Your child, however, may need ordinariness, not questions about the adults. A contact visit is meant to build a sense of safety, not to gather information.

Good things to say

You can say:

• "I'm glad I got to see you."
• "You don't have to talk about grown-up matters."
• "We can talk about your day."
• "I'm here and I remember."
• "You don't have to choose a side."

Things better left unsaid

Avoid:

• "What does mum/dad say?"
• "Why didn't you call?"
• "Is someone forbidding you?"
• "Tell the court how it really is."
• "You see who tries harder?"

Sentences like these can shift the burden of the adults' conflict onto the child.

When your child says something difficult on their own

Don't press for more. Respond calmly, write a neutral note after the contact visit, and consider consulting a specialist if the information concerns safety, health or abuse. Don't promise your child that you will keep secret something that requires protection.

How to close a contact visit

After a contact visit a child needs predictability. Instead of asking about the conflict, name something simple: "It was good that we talked", "Now go back calmly to your own things", "Next time we can talk about how you're doing". This signals to the child that they don't have to file a report to an adult after the meeting.

If the contact visit was short or difficult, don't add a sense of guilt onto your child. Avoid sentences like: "You have so little time for me", "You see what they're doing to me", "You have to help me". A parent may be suffering, but a child should not become the regulator of an adult's emotions.

When your child stays silent

A child's silence doesn't have to mean rejection. It can mean tension, tiredness, loyalty to both parents, or simply not having the words. The safest thing is to respond with presence and no pressure: "You don't have to talk now. I'm glad you're here". A sentence like this leaves the child space and does not force a choice of side.

After the contact visit, describe what happened in concrete terms

Write down the date, time, channel, the general course of events and any next step. Don't record your child's private words unless needed. A journal is meant to put events in order, not to turn your child into a source of evidence.